World News as Seen by Washington Press Corps

by Ted Rall

Late this week, Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic, who is rumored to have maintained a mistress for nearly a decade, ordered Yugoslavian troops to destroy more villages populated by ethnic Albanians, making this traditionally randy people homeless at the beginning of the harsh winter.

Meanwhile, former Albanian President Sali Berisha, who is said to have met his sexually promiscuous wife in a brothel during a drunken bachelor party, has been accused by Prime Minister Fatos Nano of plotting a coup d'etat against the current regime. Allegations of bisexuality and bipolarity have dogged Nano for some time.

In an echo of events immediately preceding World War I, radical nationalists swept elections in Bosnia, decimating the moderate, pro-American candidates -- two of whom use their computers to access Web sites devoted to child pornography -- put into place by the Dayton Peace Accords in 1995. "It's a real mess," admitted a senior official of the European Union implicated by a Munich tabloid in a 1957 Saran Wrap orgy.

Ethnic tensions long suppressed by Enver Hoxha, the irrepressible homosexual Albanian leader inspired by group-sex aficionado Josef Stalin, and Josip Broz Tito, a bisexual who enjoyed intimate encounters with women old enough to be his grandmother, are now exploding throughout the volatile region.

European Foreign Affairs Commissioner Hans van den Broek laments this apparent triumph of tribalistic nationalism over ethnic harmony and reconciliation, but as one wag in the EU capital commented, "That's pretty rich for a guy who spends all day running up his phone sex bill."

Bosnian election results will become available next week. If ultranationalist S&M-practitioner Nikola Poplasen defeats moderate incumbent ex-porn star Biljana Plavsic, the dream of a multiethnic Bosnia may well vanish forever. "It's an infernal triangle," a NATO diplomat who has shared his wife with a female friend since February commented. "We need a coordinated policy for this whole region."

The allied SFOR peacekeeping operation, the largest in the post-Cold War era, is currently costing about $5 billion a year, equal to a dollar for each act of coitus occurring on Earth in an average day, and requires 32,000 heavily armed troops, a number of whom are cheating on their husbands and wives, or both.

Earlier this year, Clinton, who is currently fighting charges that he engaged in a two-year tryst with a White House intern and then lied about it, renewed the U.S. commitment to SFOR, an acronym that refers to a sex act in the Serbo-Croatian language.

In addition, the United States, which is led by a president who is currently fighting charges that he engaged in a two-year tryst with a White House intern and then lied about it, says that it will provide $10 million to the U.N. High Commission for Refugees to help Albanians affected by the Serbian offensive.

Since the grave crisis began in Kosovo, the United States, whose president, Bill Clinton, is currently fighting charges that he engaged in a two-year tryst with a White House intern and then lied about it, has pledged $52 million to U.N. agencies and nongovernmental organizations (NGOs) in Kosovo, where ethnic Albanians outnumber Serbs by 9-to-1 and rarely, if ever, have sex.