Uproar in S Carolina

by Molly Ivins

The whole state is in an uproar at this late date over the Stars and Bars. South Carolina is the last state to fly the Confederate flag over its capitol -- under the U.S. flag and the state flag -- but it turns out that this is not a matter of custom since time immemorial.

The Confederate flag has been up there only since 1962, and even then it was not intended as a symbol of defiance against integration or any such thing. The legislature was observing the Civil War centennial and thought the thing would be taken down in 1965, according to two former members who served at the time. In an effort to resolve the current impasse, they are now attempting to round up their surviving colleagues and establish legislative intent.

Meanwhile, the NAACP is boycotting South Carolina, which means that lots of professional groups with black members are canceling convention reservations.

The bidness community is concerned. The Civil War re-enactors and Confederacy buffs want to leave the flag up; this is a state where the mention of Gen. Sherman still provokes hisses. Black citizens are understandably peeved. The legislature doesn't want to look like it's kowtowing to the NAACP.

Everybody's mad at everybody. They should all have to write 500 words on the importance of symbolism.

Poor Gov. Jim Hodges, a D, is trying to find a way out. He offered to make Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday a state holiday if the NAACP would call off the boycott. The NAACP isn't biting.

Meanwhile, the state seems to have a few problems that go beyond symbolism.

Eyeballing the state's papers -- "Jail Crowding Threatens Safety, Security," "S.C. Inmate Dies in Stabbing" (second case in a month) -- it would appear that the prisons need some attention.

The schools could use some help, too. One citizen who thinks he knows what the schools need is Henry Jordan (pronounced Gehr-dan) of the state Board of Education, who wants to post the Ten Commandments in every school.

During a board discussion in 1997, when Jordan was told that posting the Ten Commandments would be offensive to people of other religions, he said, "Screw the Buddhists and kill the Muslims." He later said he was just kidding. Try that in writing: "'... and kill the Muslims,' he joshed."

This side-splitting bon mot upset a Muslim from Rock Hill who wrote asking Jordan to resign. Jordan wrote back asking the fellow to reconsider his beliefs: "Ask the God of the Bible, Jehovah, not Allah ... to remove the veil from your eyes and heart and reveal the truth ... before it's too late."

Right -- no intention at all to proselytize by posting the commandments.

It's nice to know that failure to fully grasp the First Amendment is not limited to important officials of backward places like New York City.

Adding to the recent festivities in the state is former Gov. Carroll Campbell, who was found last week to have a gun in his carry-on luggage at the Greenville airport. He said his wife put it there. (I hate it when they blame their wives.) Local officials decided not to charge him on the felony offense.

What a dandy state it is politically. You may recall that in 1990, a sizable portion of the legislature got busted for bribery during Operation Lost Trust, an Abscam-style sting. South Carolinians inured to the political peculiarities of their state were embarrassed, not because the legislators were bribed but because they sold out so cheaply.

Lost Trust, unfortunately, overshadowed a more entertaining episode in which a state rep known as Enos the Penis started an escort service from his capitol office. The high number of young lovelies waltzing in and out was finally brought to the attention of the speaker. It gave a new dimension to the old euphemism, "He's interviewing secretaries."

Former Gov. David Beasley, a former chairman of the Republican Governors Association, made a name for himself with imaginative biography. Beasley was given to ... ah ... embroidery of his early achievements. He once claimed he ran the 100-yard dash in 9.5 seconds while in high school, which would have put him within an eyelash of the world record at the time, not to mention his .600 batting average and playing in the College World Series.

He lasted only one term. Poor fellow was just ahead of his time. Now that Edmund Morris' biography of Reagan has made fiction in biography acceptable, Beasley could claim he was just a la mode.

What can you say about a state where the junior senator is 76 years old? That spring chicken Fritz Hollings must still defer to 96-year-old Strom Thurmond. (Insert your favorite Strom Thurmond joke here.)

There is one serious player in the state -- a political science professor at the University of South Carolina, where the Fighting Gamecocks are having a very bad year.

Bill Kreml is running for president, and you might want to consider sending him $201. The purpose of this gesture is so that Kreml can fail to report your contribution. Because the Federal Election Commission requires reporting of campaign contributions over $200, this will enable Kreml to get himself sued or even jailed by the Federal Election Commission, which would put him in a dandy position to mount a legal challenge to the entire phony-baloney system of "regulation" of campaign financing. This is public service of a high order.

"We are in danger of becoming an oligarchy (rule by the rich)," says Kreml. "Our government is becoming a governing body of a few powerful interests, rather than a representative democracy."

Go, Kreml -- he's our man.